My deadbeat mom is trying to run my love life

by

July 07, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am a 17-year-old girl and I am having a problem. I am living with my grandparents. I am the only child of my mother, but I don't know her well.

She left me when I was a baby with my grandparents. She told them she would come back for me, but she never did.

When my grandmother heard from her, she was in the US. I used to talk to her on the phone. She would promise me many things but never sent them.

My grandmother is a teacher, so she taught me and I have learnt well. I am my grandfather's pet.

My mother got married and sent me a picture of her husband and she said whenever she comes home with him, I should call him daddy.

I told my mother that the only daddy I know is my grandfather and the only mother I know is my grandmother. She told me I was being rude.

My mother came to Jamaica and tried to hug me but I couldn't, it did not feel right. I shook her husband's hand. He tried to be friendly; I forced a smile.

Her husband tried to get close to me, but I kept away from him and my mother told me that I should get to know him because he is a good man, and he could help me.

She emailed me after she left and told me I embarrassed her. I told her I couldn't embarrass her as I don't see her as my mother.

My grandmother and I talked about everything. I have a boyfriend and I took him home. He did not want to come, but I forced him to come and he was well received.

We have not had sex. My grandmother told him that when I am 18, both of us can date, but no sex.

I am planning to go to university. This guy is also at university. He is very smart. My grandmother told my mother that I have a boyfriend and she called me and told me that I shouldn't.

She also told my grandmother that she shouldn't have allowed that and my grandmother told her that she can't tell her what to do, so she is vexed with all of us.

She wants to try and get me to the US to live with her, but I am not interested. My mother does not even send anything for my grandmother, and we know that she is working.

Do you think my mother has a right to tell me not to have a boyfriend?

C.D.

Dear C.D.,

Your mother pretty well abandoned you from the time you were a baby. You grew up not knowing her and she did not behave as a mother.

She didn't understand that she shouldn't have stayed away for so many years and then show up in Jamaica with her husband expecting you to welcome her with open arms.

I am sure you were longing to see her, but you were not prepared to show her much love.

Evidently, your grandmother did well in taking care of you, and the bond between the both of you is very strong.

Your mother's husband was trying to reach out to you because you are his wife's daughter. Perhaps he doesn't understand that she did not treat you as a daughter, so it would be very difficult for you to embrace him as a stepfather.

It was your mother's responsibility to tell you about your father and not to push another man into your life and expect you to embrace that man.

Perhaps your grandmother doesn't even know your biological father. If she knew him, she would have told you.

Concerning your boyfriend, I believe your grandparents are capable of giving you proper guidance concerning him. They allowed you to bring the young man home.

They are trying to tell you that they do not want you to go the wrong way in life.

Your mother left you with your grandparents for all these years. It is too late for her to try to steer your future.

Please continue to love your grandparents with all your heart. Keep the love that you have for your boyfriend on the low. Your studies are more important than your boyfriend.

And, although your mother has not showed you much love, please do not disrespect her in anything you say or do. One of these days she may tell you the true reasons for her not loving and supporting you as a child.

Pastor

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