I don't want to marry my boys' father


July 31, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am writing to you with tears in my eyes. I am 36 years old and I have three children; they are all for one man. This man, I am proud to say, was the second man in my life. I was 17 when I lost my virginity. I was in high school and one day I skipped school to go to the river with some of my classmates. It was something these girls were doing and I decided that I wanted to get the experience.

They were meeting their boyfriends at the river. This guy, who used to tell me how much he loved me, was there. We all paired up at the river. We were only in our underwear. It was right on the riverbank where I had sex with the guy for the first time. There were five of us girls and all of us had sex with the guys.

We left the river, put on our uniforms and went home as if we were all in school. The guy who had sex with me wanted to continue our friendship, but I was so upset with him because I did not plan to have sex at the river.


He got married 10 years ago. We used to talk as social friends. He invited me to his wedding, but I did not attend. I got involved with the children's father, but he is married. I did not know that he was married until I had the second child for him. He convinced me that he was going to divorce his wife. Now he has the divorce, but my mind has changed from him. I don't trust him anymore. I know some things that he has done that I cannot talk. He supports his children. I can't give him any bad name when it comes to supporting his children.

I am now in church and I don't want to do anything that will cause trouble. I told this man that I am no longer interested in him, but he says that he has changed. To put it bluntly, Pastor, he is a bad man and I don't want to go further with a bad man. All my children are boys and I don't want them to follow in his footsteps.

What do you suggest I do, pastor?


Dear E.M.,

Let me begin by commenting on what you said happened to you when you were a schoolgirl. Some schoolgirls come under peer pressure and they do crazy things. That is why parents should never swear that their children will not engage in bad behaviour. Children will outsmart their parents all the time, because they study their parents. Many girls have left to go to school, and as soon as their parents drop them off at the school gate and drive off, they turned around and go into their boyfriends' cars and change their clothes; and when it is time for school to be dismissed, they change back into their uniforms and go home.

I remember some years ago, a man told me he was home and he heard a knocking. It was not on his gate, but on his neighbour's gate. He saw a girl in her school uniform. It was about nine in the morning. A man came to the gate and helped her to climb over the gate and she went in with him. She was with him all day. When it was time for her to leave, he helped her back over the gate and she went away. Her parents did not know she didn't go to school. So it is not difficult for me to understand that your classmates and you skipped school and went to the river.

You are fortunate that you did not get pregnant while you were in school, but you will never forget what took place at the riverbank. You have three boys for one man. Congratulations, you have not thrown yourself around, but you have come to realise that the father of these children would not make you a good husband. You are in church and you are in a position to help to support your children. To marry this man would be a big mistake; therefore, stay as you are until a better man comes along. I wish you well.


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