Lazy husband thinks sex once per week is enough
I have been reading your column for years, and I enjoy doing so. Now, I am having a problem and I need your help. I was born in America, but my parents are Jamaicans. I am 29 years old. When I was 22 I got married, and that union produced two children. My husband and I were Christians, but he got into trouble with another woman and refused to leave her, so we got a divorce. He supports the children.
I met another man, and he is a real darling. He is a much older man. He likes the children, and I don't have any fear that he would do anything that is unbecoming. He is a Jamaican by birth, and he became a naturalised American.
The problem I am having is that he can hardly manage to do his duty in bed. Before we got married we had sex, but not often. Now that we are married, I would like to have sex two or three times per week, but he cannot manage. I do not want to cheat, although it has crossed my mind that that might be the only thing for me to do to get some satisfaction.
He said his doctor advised him that at his age, sex once a week is sufficient. I told him that he should have told the doctor that he has a young wife. He said he is just realising that he should not have picked up what he can't manage. He is not an old man, pastor. He is 55 years old.
I complained to one of his friends. Well, it was not much of a complaint, because my husband was with us at the house. We were playing cards and listening to music. I think we had a little bit too much to drink. My husband is very private, and he was talking about me and saying how I make him feel young. I said I might be young, but I am not getting enough. The men laughed at him, and said to him, "You must drink more roots, man." I asked them what are the roots that he should drink, but they did not tell me.
Pastor, can you tell me the name of these roots, are they safe and where can I get them? The only problem I am having with my husband is sexual. He helps me in everything in the home, and when I cannot pick up the children, he goes for them.
The only place I know he goes is church, and when there are Jamaican functions, he is always there. I want just a little bit more sex. So, please, tell me about the roots. I tried to get it out of him, but he won't tell me what they are, and I don't want to embarrass my husband by raising the matter with his friends.
Dear Frustrated Wife,
First of all, let me begin by saying that although you were divorced at a young age, you are fortunate to meet another man who loves you and was willing to marry you and assist you in taking care of your children. I want to encourage you to try and please this man. From what you have said, he is a very good husband.
Now, concerning the infrequency of sex, according to you, your body yearns for more sex. Your husband, on the other hand, believes that having sex once per week is quite enough. He may see your yearning as greed. The truth is, sex once per week for a woman your age is nothing to write home about. Some women your age have sex every day or at least three times per week. So believe me, I understand your dilemma.
On the other hand, your husband is very satisfied with his once-a-week 'ride'. I believe that both of you should compromise and have sex at least twice a week. Bearing in mind that there are many ways for a couple to meet each other's sexual needs, you should compromise. And by compromising, I mean that he should learn to have long foreplays and put into practice the many other ways that a couple can satisfy each other without coitus. Twice-a-week sex will not hurt him in any way. It might not be a bad idea for both of you to sit and discuss your problems with a sex therapist.
Please, perish the thought of cheating. Remember, your first husband cheated, and as a result, that broke up the relationship that both of you had together. Your husband might be a bit lazy when it comes to sex, but take time with him.