Parents hate my poor boyfriend

by

October 02, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I need your honest opinion. I am 22 years old and I have a boyfriend who is 23 years old. I attended an all-girl's school, and he attended an all-boys' school. My parents did not want me to attend a co-ed school because they said they saw in me a desire for male friends. I don't have many girls as friends, even at a very young age. I was not aware of that, but it is true, pastor, I always liked boys. I used to call guys when I was in my room alone at nights. I am an only child, so privacy was not an issue. I had privacy, and I kept the phone on silent and also on vibration so my parents would never hear when it was ringing.

My boyfriend and I became friends after we met at the library. The first time we had a date, I treated him because he did not have any money. We went to have dinner at a certain restaurant. But the second time we spent together was at his place. His mother was not at home. He asked me for sex, but I never had sex before. I was afraid. He showed me the condom. I was very surprised, so I asked him where he got it, and he told me that he bought it. He undressed himself and undressed me. I wanted to go through with it but I couldn't, so we agreed to do it another time.

When we took the bus, I told him I was sorry that we didn't do it. I was 16 years old.

My school was having a function, so I planned to meet my boyfriend on that day. I went to the function but did not stay. My boyfriend took me back to where he lives. He told me that his mother would not be at home, but we could not be long.

Pastor, he took my virginity. I have never had another boyfriend. Now, I am 22 years old, and I can go to his house at anytime, whether his mother is there or not, because he introduced me to her long ago and she calls me her daughter. She told him that he cannot bring any other woman into her house.

EXPECTING SOMEONE BETTER

I introduced him to my parents, but they don't like him. They say that they were expecting me to have someone better. His mother is poor and he grew up without a father. His mother doesn't have a profession. She buys and sells little stuff. I want to please my parents, but this is the man I love. I don't know what to do. He told me he knows that my parents don't love him.

My parents consider themselves as middle class. My mother is of a very light complexion and my father is brown. Very soon I will be in law school. My boyfriend will be graduating from UWI next year. He is ambitious. Every time I talk about him at home, my mother says I should plan to leave Jamaica and further my education.

I know that one reason why they are encouraging me to leave is to get me to forget about this guy, but I will not forget him. He is everything to me. I don't even have to tell him when I am coming to his house. I have a key to the front door and his room is not closed. Whenever I go to his house and his mother is there, she cooks and she makes sure I get dinner.

As a father and a counsellor, please, tell me whether I should listen to my parents and reject this man that I love. I am anxious for your advice.

W.R.

Dear W.R.,

You are an adult, and your boyfriend is also an adult. I don't need to comment on the tricks you played when you were younger. What is relevant now is that both of you seem to be in love with each other and you are accepted by his mother. You feel comfortable with this man. You can go to visit him at any time.

Unfortunately, your parents do not love this young man. They consider him not good enough for you. I know that their attitude towards him is bothering you, but I would like to tell you that it is impossible for them to control your love.

As I think of your letter, I am reminded of a case I had to deal with many years ago. This young woman complained to me that her upper-class parents, who were well-known in Jamaica, hated her boyfriend, but she was in love with him. And the more they hated him, was the more she drew closer to him. At one time, her mother called her boyfriend a gorilla, and that made matters worse. She stayed with him.

I want you to be respectful to your parents. It is better to be silent when they say unkind things about your boyfriend. Encourage your boyfriend to do well in his studies and to excel in anything that he does. Make sure you don't allow him to get you pregnant. Focus on your career. You will need your parents' assistance in law school. You wouldn't have to totally depend on them, because you can get student loan. I am trying to tell you that you should not reject or ignore your parents. However, if there is genuine love between you and your boyfriend, don't reject him when the time comes for marriage. Accept his proposal. If your parents are against him because he is black and poor, go against their advice, so to speak.

Pastor

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