My Christian husband is abusing me


November 01, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 years old and I was reading your column from I was in high school. Your column has helped me a lot. When I was 15 years old, I became friendly with a guy.

He was three years older than I am and when he asked me for sex, I told him that I was too young to engage in that.

He told me I was not too young. I should go before the mirror and look at myself. He said that I have lovely breasts and a nice shape.

When I was 16, my parents had a sweet 16 birthday party for me, but I didn't invite him. I did not want my parents to suspect that I had a boyfriend. He was upset but we continued to be friends.

When I just turned 18, I became a Christian. I invited him to church. He came a few times, but he wasn't interested in church.

Sometimes on Sunday night he would wait at the bus stop where I had to take the bus to go home, and he tried to persuade me to go with him somewhere so that we could have sex.

I told him not to come back because other members were at the same bus stop waiting for the bus. He told me that he couldn't wait on me.

He found another girl and in six months, he got her pregnant. She had her baby and I fell in love with a brother in the church.


We got married, but it has turned out to be a failure. He was very aggressive. In church he was nice to everybody.

One night we had an argument and he slapped me and burst my lips. I could not go to work for a few days. Then he apologised and told me that he would never hit me again.

I did not want my parents to see me with swollen lips, so I kept away from them. Another time he threatened to slap me up because I suspected that he was cheating.

This time, I told my closest girlfriend, and when I told her I was surprised when she said that she knows a girl that he is having an affair with, and that my husband had made a pass at her and she threatened to tell me. I confronted him and he denied everything.

I have come to see that my husband was not much different from the guy who loved me while I was in high school. My husband lies a lot. I find myself not loving him anymore and that is why I am writing you for your advice.


Dear A.C.,

Indeed, your husband has disappointed you. He has been living a double life. He gives the impression at church that he is the most loving and upright gentleman, but at the same time, he is abusing you.

That is so sad. If you were to complain to the folks at church, they will not believe you. Nevertheless, you know the truth and you should not pretend anymore that you are happy when you are not.

You should insist that this man seek professional help. He should go to see a family counsellor. Perhaps he should be engaged in anger management.

You are saying that your love for this man is dying and I could see why. Some women love their men even when they are physically and verbally abusing them.

But, generally speaking, women run from men who are abusive, and even when they do not leave the matrimonial homes because of circumstances, they are afraid of them and wish that they can find somewhere else to live.

If after seeking counselling and your husband continues to abuse you, you should discuss divorce proceedings with a lawyer.

If you believe that it makes sense to try and save your marriage, do so. If not, go and see a lawyer and divorce him.


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