Can't understand why he didn't love me


December 07, 2017

Dear Pastor,

I met a man in February of this year when I took my vehicle to the garage to be serviced. He struck up a conversation, but I was not interested.

After he literally begged for my number, I took his, and accidentally sent my number to his phone.

After he made several calls and we conversed several times, I grew to appreciate his holistic approach to life and his desire to do missionary work.

He ostensibly appeared to be a breath of fresh air with a passion to be a better man. One of the turning points was one evening, when he looked me square in the eyes and said, "You have been through so much and you exude such love and warmth and you don't want to be hurt anymore." I was stunned at his almost 'spiritual insight' because I had told him nothing.

After several weeks, I realised he was going through a difficult time, and I took time out to drive to the country where he lives to cook for him, just to ensure that he had a hot meal. I also helped out around the house.

It took him several weeks of pleading for me to even visit his house, and eventually, we made love.

I noticed that the zest that he expressed when we met was waning. He no longer called virtually every day, and couldn't care less whether I visited.

When I spoke with him, he told me nothing had changed. He said it was the pressure of the business problems he had going on.

Pastor, one evening I went to visit him and we eventually made love, the one and only time, and I got pregnant.

When I told him I was pregnant, he told me that he would have to 'run away' because of the pressure. Whenever I called him to assist me or even visit the clinic, he promised but never turned up.

I subsequently lost the baby, and when I told him, he said to me, "Yuh kill mi youth!"

I went through several weeks of hell alone, because I was ashamed to tell my family. It was so embarrassing to be celibate for so long, only to stand alone during such a delicate time.

One evening I went to visit him just to have a heart-to-heart talk, and saw a woman who he claimed to be his friend. Pastor, in all my 35 years of living, I have never seen a man like this.


No matter how I poured out my heart to him, he never responded. He only asked me to 'check him' the next day so that we could talk, only to be told the next day that he was in town and would call me later. He never did.

I am not necessarily interested in being with him anymore, but I called him numerous times in my quest to understand why a man would treat a woman with such utter disdain.

This man is my fourth relationship and the trend is the same. My husband, who took my virginity, cheated on me after several years of our working diligently to achieve something in life. And everyone else followed the same pattern.

I am yet to be loved by a man, and it is not that I am emotionally insecure, because in all these relationships, I was mature enough to walk away.

Pastor, can you tell me what could be the reason for my making these emotionally abusive choices, and why the young man whom I met at the garage refuses to have even as much as a conversation with me?

My entire experience with men has been emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive.


Dear A.A.,

I don't want you to misunderstand me. I hope that you will accept what I am about to say in good spirit and with understanding.

I want to show you that what has happened to you was allowed by God, to strengthen you and tell you to not take anything for granted.

This man you met at the garage never loved you. He walked into the relationship like a 'pussycat', and when he eventually got you into bed, he saw it as a big accomplishment.

You need not try to find out why this man treated you with such contempt. All I know is that you do not deserve this type of treatment.

You are a good woman, and bad things happen to good people all the time. I'll be praying for you. Put your life in God's hand, and consider this man and all the other men that you have met 'dead'.


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