No future with my married lover


January 20, 2018

Dear Pastor,

I need your advice. I am 43 years old, and I have two beautiful children aged 20 and 11. I love them dearly. The second one is for the man that I have been with for 17 years. He is 64 years old. He told me that he was married, but I still got involved with him. I didn't really love him. I wasn't working at the time, and I didn't even have a boyfriend because I didn't want them to think that I wanted to be with them just for help or maintenance. I ignored him for months, but we happened to talk with each other and the love grew. I also got a job before we got together.

The father of my first child is just a sperm donor. This married man has been there for her since she was only three years old until now. Her father doesn't know how she eats, sleeps or goes to school. She is a brilliant and quiet child with nine CSEC subjects and is in college now. I do not know how I am going to manage with her next school fee, but I do have faith in God.

Pastor, sometimes I think that I have wasted my time with this man, but only God knows. He pays my bills like rent, light and water. I have told him many times that he should let us go to the National Housing Trust (NHT) office to deal with a house instead of paying rent. Pastor, it is now going into 10 years, and he is still paying rent. I talk to him over and over, and he is still not making any effort.

I went to the office and got some details, but I didn't go through any process. I need him to come with me so that we both can sit down and talk to the person and seek a way out, because I do contribute to the NHT. I said to him that if anything should happen, the only thing I could show is his son, and he said that his other children know about him so they would help him. I told him to remember that they will have their own families to maintain, and he told me that he paid all their college fees, so they will give back to him in the future. Come on!!

He doesn't live with me; he comes and goes. I don't want to be ungrateful. I need to move on. Sometimes I think of giving my life to the Lord. I can't continue to live like this. He doesn't give me money for myself, he only pay the bills. I work more than minimum wage per week, I throw partner, I give my daughter lunch money, and also buy groceries for her every three weeks. I also take care of my son's lunch money for the week. I do all those things out of my pay.

Sometimes I don't know how I manage, but one thing I know is that my children have to go to school. If I can't find lunch money for them one or two days, he will. I know that for sure. He is a retired teacher, but does his electrical work otherwise. He drinks and plays dominoes with his friends. He takes me with him sometimes. That is his socialisation; I can't take that away from him. The way he drinks, I am afraid to drive with him.

His sex is great. Sometimes I can't manage him and other times he turns me off, especially when he sleeps and wakes up, and the pillow smells. I encouraged him to go and see a dentist and he did. I know he loves me and I love him too.

Pastor, I am telling you the truth. I am not seeing anyone else, but I know there is no future with this married man. He is stubborn. All he talks about is winning the lottery one day so that he can buy me a house. We communicate with each other every day. If a day or two pass and I don't see him, I start to worry. But, I need to move on.

Do you think that I am being ungrateful? Do you think I am going through menopause to have these feelings, not wanting sex or just to be by myself? Do you think he should give me money on a monthly or weekly basis although he is paying the bills? He doesn't even buy me gifts on any occasion.

Please, tell me the truth.


Dear P.P.,

This man is not giving you money in your hand but he is paying all your bills. What a fortunate woman! I am not saying that you shouldn't leave him, but to be frank, you should not be complaining so much. What you should try to do is get a house on your own. What I mean by that is that you should not purchase a house jointly with him. He knows that that is not wise. Perhaps that is the reason why he is giving you the runaround.

Don't misunderstand me; I know that you want a house. But I don't want to encourage you to go jointly with him. If you want to leave this man, you should tell him and both of you should part amicably. He has not been a bad man to you at all, and I can see that you love him dearly.

You have to think about your spiritual life. So pray about that and ask the Lord to guide you.


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