After 11 years, I won't wait any longer from my husband

Dear Pastor,

I am a 42-year-old woman, and I am having a problem. My husband is living in America. When he went away, our children were still young. Now they are grown up and can manage on their own. I cannot give him a bad name; he has supported his children. When he was leaving, he did not intend to stay away for so long. But this year is the 11th year since he has been away.

I try my best to keep out of trouble. Sometimes when I feel for sex, I have to go to the bathroom and take cold showers. Even a couple of his friends have tried to get me to have affairs with them. One of his brothers had always liked me, and one weekend, he and I went to the country and we had car problems and had to stay at a hotel and share a room. We had two beds in the room, but in the middle of the night, I felt him hugging me up, I responded gently by telling him "no, no."

I almost had sex with him, and if he had continued to play with me, I would have yielded. Instead, I played with him, and he discharged and he stopped. I could never let my husband know that his brother and I almost slept together.

Pastor, after all these years of my husband not being around, my children don't even ask for him anymore. And we have found out that my husband is living with a woman in America. He is still telling me that he is coming back.

I don't make him any wiser.

There is this man at my workplace. He is a single man, and I have been going out with him. My children know him. I was really worried at first, but I don't hide it from the children.

People who know me and see us together might think that I am bad or I am divorced. This man lives alone, and sometimes when we go to any function, before he takes me home, I go to his house and spend some time with him. I used to feel guilty, but I don't feel guilty anymore. I would like to divorce my husband. Do you think I have enough grounds to divorce him?

G.R.

Dear G.R.,

I suggest that you discuss the matter of divorce with your children. I am so glad that the night when you were with your brother-in-law and your car broke down, you did not have sex with him. You never know what he would have said to your husband or to other members of his family.

You are a very fortunate woman, and you are a also very wise. You knew what to do with this man to cool him down. You should not have slept with him in the same room, but I suppose you felt that as your brother-in-law, he would not have attempted to have sex with you. He didn't care. He saw you as a woman and an opportunity to have sex. He ought to have known that he should not have attempted to have sex with you, his brother's wife.

I am not surprised that your children don't talk much about their father anymore. I am sure that they appreciate the support that he gives to them. The mistake he is making is that he believes that the money that he sends can compensate for not being around. He may say that he is trying to get himself legal in America, after which he will be with them and you. But time is precious, and while he is trying to become legal, precious time is passing

him by.

I am not prepared to condemn you for getting involved with another man. You say that your children are aware of everything. If you are very sure that your marriage has come to an end, and the only thing that has not made your separation final is your divorce. You should tell your husband what you intend to do so that it will not be a big surprise when he gets the papers from your lawyer.

I repeat: discuss this divorce matter with your children.

Pastor