My man is a bisexual!

by

July 05, 2016

Dear Pastor,

I always read your column, but never expected I would write to you.

My situation is long and confusing, but your straightforward advice will be greatly appreciated whether it is in my favour or not.

I am 25. I met my daughter's father when we were in church, from I was 18. He is now 27.

We were in church and everything was okay. I got a job and we started living together in 2011. A lot of people thought we were a married couple.

I got pregnant in 2012. When I was eight months' pregnant, I was home alone, spreading the bed. I found a notebook under our bed with a passwords and emails to websites.

I was curious so I checked them and I found out my partner is gay. I confronted him and he admitted. However, I did not end the relationship because I was pregnant. He told me he was going to stop, so we continued living together and tried to get past it.

In 2014, he got a visa and started to travel frequently. When he goes away, he worked and takes very good care of us. He comes home for a couple months, then go back to work.

He went away twice for six months. I waited on him because he has been paying the bills and supporting us. The third time he went away was last November. I was lonely and begged him to stay, but he did not.

I went on a dating site and met someone twice my age. I really liked him. He sent for me and I travelled to him in March.

My child's father found out about it. He came home in April. I told him it was nothing serious, but he still did some investigation and found the man's number. He was becoming verbally abusive so I got the police to move him out the house.

I went back to the man, overseas, in May. When I came home in June, I had a party for my daughter, which her father attended. After that he and I rekindled our relationship and agreed to make it work.

However, he confessed he had slept with a few women since I left him. He now wants us to go for counselling because we are still in love with each other.

I found out that he didn't use condoms with these woman he had from April until June. That makes me uncomfortable.

He hurt me in the past and I forgave him, but he cannot get over that I met someone and had an affair.

Pastor, I love my child's father. He will give me anything and he takes care of me, but I believe he is addicted to sex. He keeps on bringing up the fact that I cheated on him with another man. I have to always remind him that it is him I love.

My life is now so confusing because I ended the relationship with the man aboard but, with all that, my child's father and I have been through, I am not sure if it's worth a try or not.

It has been seven years and he really treats me well. Does this relationship make sense to try or not? Please, give me your advice.

V.J.

Dear V.J.,

Evidently, your child's father is bisexual. When you became aware of it, he did not deny it. Some men would have denied it. At that time, you should have suggested that you both go for counselling, but you didn't. That was a mistake.

He is a good family man, that is unquestionable. He has supported his family. He has not neglected doing so.

You claimed that while he was away you became lonely. You explained what you did. However, some men will not forgive you for that type of deception. I call it deception because you got involved with a much older man and travelled abroad to see him, without the knowledge of your child's father, while you were giving the impression that you were very much in love with him. That was wrong.

I see nothing in your letter expressing any feeling of remorse to your child's father. It is true that he had affairs, but he did so after you threw him out. One could say the relationship had ended. He was playing with his life by having unprotected sex with women.

You did not mention whether he had sex with men during that period. Whether he did, he was careless and irresponsible.

You give the impression that you are confused because you have ended the relationship with the man who is much older than you.

However, you have emphasised that your child's father is a good man. I, therefore, suggest that this man and you seek professional help. Make an appointment to see a psychologist.

You claimed that this man loves sex. I think you like sex a lot too. Do you want to tell me it was not sex why you got involved with this older man? If your answer is, no, it is not sex, it had to be the money. Why should it be money when your child's father was sending you enough to take care of his child and yourself?

Can you see why recommend seeing a psychologist? This man needs to deal with his problems and so do you.

Pastor

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