I suspect my wife is cheating


October 27, 2016

Dear Pastor,

Recently, I have been feeling like a fool and in need of counselling. For some time now, my wife of more than 20 years has been having issues in our relationship at home. It has forced me to do some researching on these actions.

Intimate contact with her has changed. She always had an issue expressing her feelings, but now she shrugs me away at times. This has been going on for an extensive time and I took it as her just being plain tired and overworked.

I turned my life over to Christ and went into the Church. I have been faithful to my wife, even before becoming a Christian. I secretly smile when I see her checking out my life and going through my phone for numbers/texts, etc. My phones are unlocked, my computer, emails and all else can be accessed. Passwords, if required, are all known by the grown children, because she doesn't fool around computers.

I do not fool around smart- phones and can barely text when using them. The children help me with texting and help her with the computer (which she rarely uses).

My wife has adapted very well for over a year now with smartphones, texting and WhatsApp. Her days, by my understanding, are full - to work and back home religiously.


I have tried to break the monotony on a number of occasions by suggesting going out. We are not well off, and she worries about these expenses. Yet she jokingly tells friends and family that I do not take her out!

About three months ago, I started paying attention to the number of calls she receives while at home. I still ignored it until I saw her taking them privately - in the dark and in the children's rooms when they are not nearby.

The loss of intimacy and the non-communicative nature have got suddenly worse.

Sex only occurs when she is in the mood, literally once every two to three weeks or a month.

I spoke to her about my concerns. I asked if there was someone else or anything she would like to say. Her answer was no - I expected that reply!

I had the best uninitiated sex from her in a long time that night (and waited for improved communications - that didn't come).

My online researches actually pointed out to expect this sexual reaction or an assuring reaction of genuine concern to comfort me.

I'm still not sure and I'm confused, because I saw her secretively texting again during the threat of Hurricane Matthew when cable, TV, etc were down. That was a few nights after the first talk.

I tried to have another talk; it did not go down well. It became obvious to her that I suspected cheating. I have no proof and is now well aware that I (or we) need professional counselling. There's more to say on why I suspect cheating. Please help me, Pastor.


Dear L.O.,

A relationship doesn't suddenly go down. Some spouses cheat and are very happy about it. They treat their partners well at home and treat the outside partner just as good. It is like they are professionals. Some men have to be really good to know whether their women are cheating.

The women would have to make a big mistake; a real slip-up for their men to know. If a woman wants her man to know that she is cheating, she would do something radical and if she does something radical, she has come to the place where she says I don't care.

The truth is that some people love to cheat. It gives them thrills. A woman might be getting more out of sex with her outside man. But if she doesn't want her marriage to break up, her husband wouldn't even ask for it, because by showing him affection, she knows that it would not be easy to suspect her.

I have said the above to say that something started to go wrong in your relationship that you did not see until it has come to this stage.


Therefore, I must ask you what do you believe brought the relationship to this stage? Is it that you have ignored your wife? Is it that you have put on a big belly? You don't attract her anymore? And the sex isn't good anymore?

Something has caused the marriage to go down. Perhaps you took her for granted. Perhaps you do not tell her you love her anymore. Perhaps you have been engrossed in your work and you have not made enough time for her.

Now tell me, sir, why do you believe she is cheating? If this woman leaves the bedroom when you enter, it is an indication that she does not want to be touched by you. If she is hiding to make telephone calls and sending texts, that's enough to tell you that she might be having interest in another man and it is indeed time for both of you to head to a family counsellor.

Both of you have been married for 20 years and have children, you should be loving each other more and more. Your relationship together should be tighter now than ever before. You shouldn't be rejecting each other.

So, ask your wife whether she would go to see a counsellor. If she says that she is not interested, remind her of the years you have been together and tell her you are not willing to throw these years away. At least both of you should try and save your relationship. I wish you well.


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