Relationship on the rocks because I disrespected his dad


April 28, 2018
Divorced couple

Dear Pastor,

I am 30 years old, and I have been listening to you every night and reading your column since I was in high school. Your column is something that I don't miss. I never thought that at my age I would have to write to you for your advice. Thanks for being there for most of us who thought we would never need you.

I have a boyfriend. We were engaged to be married by the end of the year, but now, he wants to put that on hold. He comes from a very respectable family. Both of his parents are alive. We are not living together, but I came home and was staying with him at his parents' home for a few days. He said something to me about his father and I lost my cool and cursed his father using the 'f' and 'p' words.

My boyfriend became so angry that he threatened to knock me down. The argument almost caused us to get into a fight. I packed my bag and told him that I was leaving, and he encouraged me to leave. He said that I have a foul mouth. I called a taxi and left. At about 11 p.m., after I discussed the problem with some of my girlfriends, they told me that I was wrong and I should call my boyfriend to apologise.


When I called him, he answered. When he realised that I was on the line, he told me that he did not want to speak to me unless I apologised for what I had said about his father. His father doesn't seem to like me. My boyfriend used to have a girlfriend, and she was a 'high-colour' girl. His father loved her, and to this day, he always asks my boyfriend for her.

After, I went to see my boyfriend at his workplace. I stayed in the car and called him to let him know that I was in the parking lot. He came out, and I was trying to explain to him that I believe that his father doesn't love me. He disagreed and said we couldn't have a relationship if I was going to be so disrespectful to his father and to him. I told him that I would apologise to his father, but he said no apology would work because he would always remember the words I used to describe his father.

Pastor, I cannot live without my boyfriend, so I am begging you to help me. I would like to make an appointment for both of us to come and see you before I leave.


Dear D.N.,

Coming to see me will not necessarily help you. What I would say to you now is what I would say to you in a session. The Bible says, "What is in the heart, the mouth speaketh." You do not love your boyfriend's father, who would officially become your father-in-law if his son and you were to get married.

You have been grossly disrespectful to this man's father. You said that you lost your cool, but losing your cool does not mean that you should use expletives to describe another person, especially one who could become father-in-law.

Your boyfriend is annoyed with you, and rightly so. If you have no respect for his father now, you wouldn't have any respect for him after you married his son. You did not say whether this man heard what you said about him, but at least his son heard you. And evidently, he is not prepared to forgive you. Perhaps his attitude towards you may change in a few years. I can't predict what he will do in the future, but I know for right now, you shouldn't try to force him to talk to you.


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