Called a whore after being raped

Dear Pastor,

I am 21 years old, and I need your advice earnestly. As a child growing up, I was molested by family members and boys in my community. Eventually, when I talked about it, I ended up getting mocked, saying that I was lying and that I'm a whore, which was not true. I was just an innocent child who didn't get the chance to make my own decisions, but forced into doing things I didn't like. I resented men.

When I was 16, I fell in love with one of my fellow church members. We dated for two and a half years. Because my father was strict, my boyfriend saw it as a means to date another girl who I later found out about. He was my first boyfriend, and because of what he did I was hurt very much. Members of my church found out and they were against our relationship, so that also contributed to us breaking up.

After that relationship, I told myself I wouldn't date any other guy because I thought they are evil creatures. To cut a long story short, I ended up with another guy. He was a liar and cheater. When we got together I was 19, and he told me he was 18 and later down in the relationship I found out that he was actually 17 when we started talking.

When I met this guy who is now my ex, he introduced me to his mother. She liked me and took me as her daughter. I used to spend a lot of time at his house until couple months in the relationship he told me I should come and stay with him. I agreed, and because I too also wanted an escape from my past home, I was happy.

Everything was going well. I felt like it was too good to be true. Close to a year, he started to cheat. We would fight a lot, and he disrespected me countless times over other girls. I got so depressed that I ended up losing my job, and most persons, who warned me to leave, eventually got fed up. I was in love with a monster and just wasn't strong enough to leave.

Every day I regretted making that decision to give men a chance in my life. What made it even worse is that I got pregnant for him, and he caused me to have a miscarriage. He used to tell me hurtful stuff that made me so sick I would throw up.

Eventually he basically told me that I couldn't stay there any longer, and I cried so hard. A good friend of mine told me I could come and stay with her and I did. When I moved and started to ignore him and tried to move on, he would sweet talk his way back, and again I would fall into his dirty trap. But before I left, pastor, I found out he slept with my best friend because he contracted a STD. When I found out, I was so shocked that I couldn't even cry. He begged me to forgive him, and said how sorry he was and that he would change and that he didn't to want to lose me.

When he got his first job and was making money, it was a nightmare. He said that he wanted to have fun, go to parties, have sex with girls, etc.

My perception of men has changed. I don't know when I will be able to get over everything. All I did was care for him, washed, cooked and clean the house.

Pastor, I hate men. A couple months ago, I was raped. I attempted suicide, I felt like no one understood my pain and my agony. Men are devilish creatures brought on earth to roam and to make good women lives unbearable. But, pastor, how one can cope with such a fate. I hate my life.

Struggling Christian

Dear Struggling Christian,

The first thing I would like to suggest to you is that you should return to God who is your Lord and Saviour. You were in church and you were very active there, but you backslid and you allowed men to use you and to have their way with you. One after the other they took advantage of your naivety. You were not even aware that what you were considering to be love wasn't love at all. Men were only satisfying their sexual urges and appetite.

You see, my dear, when some young people think that they are in love, they don't listen to any one. They want to explore and to test what it is to have a man and to feel that they are big women. I feel sorry that men have abused and used you. You are indeed depressed, and you need professional help.

You said that you were recently raped. May God be pleased to help you. You need to undergo therapy. For all the years that I have been counselling and writing my column, I have said that every rape should be reported. I hope you reported this rape. Often when a person is raped, she feels ashamed and she blames herself. But I will say to you, is take the courage and seek professional help. There are organisations that can help you. You may contact Victim Support Unit Ministry of Justice 47E Old Hope Road Kingston 5. Telephone: 946-0663/9287.

You don't have to hate your life or yourself, but it is natural to feel that way. You are not a bad girl; you just took the wrong path. No one is perfect. When you receive professional help, you are going to become powerful and be in a position to help other young women.

My prayers are with you, and if I can be of further help you to, do not hesitate to write me again or call me at 1876-929-1667 or 1876-877-1009. I will repeat, return to the Lord. Rededicate your life to him and life would be much better for you.

Pastor