Not everyone should be a parent Abuse survivor urges Jamaicans to think twice before having kids

As Jamaica grapples with declining birth rates and concerns about what fewer babies could mean for the country’s future, Veronica* believes the discussion should not only be about getting people to reproduce, but whether they are prepared to raise the children they bring into the world.

Veronica, who is in her late 30s, was sexually abused by her own father as a child. She says her experience taught her early that being biologically capable of producing a child does not automatically make someone fit to parent one.

“Biology made him my father. It did not make him a safe parent,” she told THE STAR.

Today, Veronica has built a stable life, having worked at the same organisation for more than a decade and rising to a senior management position. She is also the mother of one child, whom she was not conceived as a result of the abuse. She has intentionally chosen not to have another child, a decision she said has resulted in even some loved ones describing her as selfish.

“Sometimes choosing not to have a child is the most responsible decision you can make,” she said. “I think we have spent generations telling people that having children is just something you do. You grow up, you get married, you have children. But nobody stops to ask, ‘Am I actually capable of raising another human being?’”

She believes people should consider their emotional and financial circumstances, willingness to make the necessary sacrifices and ability to provide a safe environment before deciding to become parents.

“There is kindness in knowing your limitations. If you know you don’t want children, you don’t have the patience for them, you’re not prepared to make the sacrifices, or you’re dealing with things that would prevent you from giving a child a safe environment, why should society shame you for saying no?” she questioned. “That child would have to live with the consequences of your decision.”

Her comments come amid continuing concern about Jamaica’s declining birth rate and the implications fewer births could have for an ageing population and the country’s future workforce. While Veronica understands those concerns, she does not believe pressuring Jamaicans to have more children addresses the reasons some people may be reluctant to become parents.

“Maybe we should ask why people don’t feel able to have children. Can they afford housing? Childcare? Food? Do they feel emotionally prepared? Those questions matter too.”

She said women, in particular, can find themselves subjected to expectations surrounding motherhood.

“A woman reaches a certain age and everybody starts asking when she is going to have a baby,” Veronica said. “Nobody asks whether she wants one, whether she can afford one, whether she is mentally prepared or whether she has healed from things in her own life.” For Veronica, the issue of choice is deeply personal.

“I didn’t choose what happened to my body, and then suddenly I was dealing with the consequences of something somebody else did to me,” she said.

“I felt like decisions were constantly being made around me and for me. That’s why choice means so much to me now. People underestimate what it does to you when you have no control over something that changes your entire life.”

Becoming a mother on her own terms later influenced the way she approached raising her child.

“To me, a parent isn’t just the person who made you. A parent is supposed to be your safe place. They are supposed to be the person standing between you and harm, not the person causing it,” she said. “I’m extremely conscious about making my child feel safe. I listen. I pay attention. I want my child to know that if something happens, they can come to me and I will believe them. I never want my child to experience the fear and helplessness I experienced.”

However, Veronica stressed that her argument should not be interpreted as suggesting that people must be wealthy before becoming parents.

“Poverty doesn’t make somebody a bad parent. Some of the most loving parents don’t have much,” she said. “I’m saying people should think seriously about the responsibility.”

*Name changed to protect identity