Hate going to church on Mother’s Day

Dear Pastor,

I am a 42-year-old Christian woman, and I am reaching out to you because I am feeling deeply discouraged about going back to church.

In fact, I am at a point where I think I just want to be done with church altogether and I need your honest guidance on whether I am wrong to be feeling this way. I am not married and I do not have any children, so because of this, church has become a very painful environment for me. For the past six years, I have completely stopped attending church on Mother’s Day because the hurt is simply too much to bear. Most of the women my age in the congregation are mothers. Being the only one in my position makes me feel completely out of place, and my heart hurts every time I am there.

I want to be very clear that I am not covetous, and I do not wish anyone bad. However, people are often quick to judge. They frequently say that others are “red eye” or “bad mind” because they are looking at and want what others have. At the end of the day, we are all human. I truly do not think church is an environment I can endure any more for the sake of my own peace of mind. Am I wrong for wanting to step away? Please don’t suggest talking to my pastor about this. There is no confidentiality there.

Thank you for your time, your counselling, and your prayers. I look forward to hearing your perspective.

J.

Dear J.,

I thank you for your letter and I want to make a big suggestion.

After you have read my suggestion, you may say well, that is not a big suggestion after all. But if you have never thought about what I am prepared to tell you, then it is very big. You have not told me everything. You have not said whether you have gone to doctors and if they ran tests on you and told you that you will never get pregnant.

You would love to get married, but you have not yet met the type of man you believe that you love. Perhaps those you have met are not the type that you would marry. Hence you have become despondent, depressed and unhappy. Your desire is to be a mother. You can be a mother, but you do not have to give birth to do that.

So, here is my big suggestion: please adopt a child. Occasionally, young girls become pregnant and they do not wish to keep the babies. My prayers therefore for you is that you will come to know one of these women who is willing to give up her child for adoption. I also suggest that you contact the adoption board and tell them that you wish to adopt a child. The officials will tell you how to go about the matter. Becoming a mother by adoption would bring great joy and satisfaction to you. That child will grow up and love you for what you have done. Mother’s Day will suddenly become more meaningful to you.

As I respond to your letter, I am thinking of women who I know personally who adopted children. Those children have become adults who love and cherish these women. Perhaps you do not want to adopt a child whose mother is a total stranger. You could consider adopting a child from a relative, but make sure that every adoption is legal. Some relatives like to give up their babies, but after the children get to a certain age and are doing well in school, the biological parents come back for them. Such persons only need the help. Therefore, I am not going to encourage you to go that way.

You should not stop attending church on Mother’s Day. You should attend the service and participate in everything. As a matter of fact, you should look around in the church to see if there are children you would like to assist and let them feel that they are wanted. You seem to be saying that the church is making you unhappy. I want to remind you that happiness is a choice and you can make yourself happy whether you are in the church or not. But whether you stay or not, wherever you go, you go with yourself. So be careful what you do and how you look at others. Be sure you ask God to help you to be at peace with yourself and with others.

I assure you of my prayers. I will be glad to meet with you if you believe that I can assist you further.

Pastor