My husband’s children want nothing to do with him

Dear Pastor,

I am 50 and I am living with my second husband. My first husband died.

He and I had two children who are now adults. We planned not to have more than two children. My present husband has fathered five children, but they don’t treat him well. He admitted to me that he did not support them and they are with different women. I have tried to contact all his children, but only one said that he recognises him as his father.

Before my first husband died, our children were taught to buy him Father’s Day gifts and to spend time with him. So I have also encouraged them to buy my present husband gifts and to call him father. His father is alive, so on Father’s Day, he visited him, took him to the barber and spent some time with him. I called two of my current husband’s children on Father’s Day and I encouraged them to talk to him, but they said that they were not interested. It is so sad because this man wants to make amends with his children, but they are not interested at all.

I spoke to one of his babymothers, she said that when she was pregnant and told him, he told her that she should find the real father and inform him. She said he was the only man she was having a relationship with. When she went to the hospital, she asked her sister to call him and tell him. He cursed her sister. He was a taxi driver at the time and her sister asked him to pick her up from the hospital. He cursed her sister, so she had to support the child without a father. After three months, she met another man who helped her. He went on the farm work programme, but sent money for her. When he returned, she went to live with him, so her daughter sees that man as her father. When the mother became ill, that man stood by her side and his relatives helped her. He never told them that her child was not his biological child. Today, that girl is working in a bank and she wants nothing to do with my current husband.

You may wonder why I married this man. I met him at church and he was very kind to me. Anything I wanted to get done at my house, he took care of it. He can do gardening, electrical work and plumbing. He is a very good handy man. There were times I felt lonely, so he became my companion. Gradually, he rubbed off on me. He is a real good Christian now. I told him he should not worry about the past. He doesn’t have any money and he will not get this house if I should precede him in death. I have already told him that this house will go to my children. He is not an educated man. I have had to teach him many things.

My former husband was very tender with me in the bedroom. This man is very rough. When we started having sex, it was very painful. I had to go to the doctor who advised me what to do. Whenever he gets jobs and he brings money home, I don’t use all of it. He has a savings account in both our names, and I lodge most of his money. He is very thankful for what I have done for him.

I am hoping that we can buy a piece of land and build a one-bedroom house so that he would not feel that if I precede him, he would not have anywhere to live.

M.

Dear M.,

You are a good woman and there is no question in my mind that you fell in love with this man.

One may say that when you met him, you didn’t feel that he was in your class or category, so to speak, but you got together and got married. I could see that you are a family person. Although this man was wild, ‘scattering his seed’ everywhere and not maintaining his children, you tried to get to know them. But they were not interested in forgiving their father.

I am glad that your children have accepted him and they treat him well. I hope that the desire that both of you have to purchase a piece of land and to build a house will materialise. Someone may have a piece of land that may not cost a fortune. It is a good idea if both of you are able to purchase land and build a house for this man.

Pastor