My mother thinks I am too picky with men

Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of our column. Whether I am in Jamaica or I am travelling, I try to read The Gleaner and THE STAR and I do not like to miss THE WEEKEND STAR.

I have been reading your column for a long time. My father used to bring THE STAR home very often and I used to hear him talking to my mother about the different topics. My parents live lovingly and I used to tell myself that, if I got a husband, I would like us to be as loving as my parents.

When I was 23, I met a man who I thought would make a good husband. He was seven years my senior but, after going out with him, I could see that he was neither mature nor grounded in the faith. He served God on Sundays but, during the week, he was all over the place. He was also a gambler. When I talked to him about going back to school, he said he didn’t have the time for that. He used to cook every Friday and Saturday evening, and sold pan chicken. He was doing well but, every dollar he made, he gambled it away. By Monday, he was begging me for money. So I knew after a while that I could not continue in the relationship. Whenever I told him that I did not have any money to give to him, he became very abusive. One day, he hit me and my brother got involved and told him not to come back to our place, and that was the end of our relationship.

I got involved with another man who was educated, but he drank too much. When he was sober, he was the most loving man. But he had nothing. He blamed the mother of his two children for his situation but I found out that she was not to be blamed. It was his drinking problem that took away his money. His daughter wants nothing to do with him but his son calls him occasionally. He wanted to marry me but I could not marry a man who didn’t have a savings account and who always relies on me to put dinner on the table. When he realised that I was on the Pill, he threw the bottle away. He said that he could not trust any woman who is not willing to get pregnant by him. He was always asking his colleagues for money. He owed everybody and that is why his children don’t care about him.

Now I am in my 40s and still unmarried. My mother told me I was too choosy when I was younger. It is not that I was choosy, I was careful. I have my own home. Yes, I am paying mortgage but, in a few years, I will be finished paying for the house. I have been going out with a widower. He says that he loves me. I believe that it is better for me to settle down with him. As the saying goes “I rather be an old boy’s darling than a young man’s slave.” I hope you will take the time to comment on my letter.

E.

Dear E.,

There is still hope for you. You decided not to get married to an alcoholic and a gambler.

You are not suffering because you made these firm decisions, and now you have met a man who is by far your senior and who is likely to marry you. Your mother should commend you for not throwing your life away. I wish you well. Don’t give up. Some women marry when they are young; others when they are in their senior years. It is better to be single and happy than to live an unhappy life because you were eager to wear a wedding ring.

Pastor