Upset that my stepdaughter saw us naked

Dear Pastor,

This is the first time I am writing to you. I find you to be a fair man when you are dealing with the letters that are sent to you. My girlfriend says that sometimes you are very rough. We are having a problem, and I want to get your advice.

My girlfriend and I are professionals. We are both university graduates. I am 33 years old and my girlfriend is 29. She has one child from a previous relationship and that child is seven years old. The father of the child and my girlfriend are no longer in an intimate relationship.

Her daughter lives with her. She was only able to rent a one-bedroom apartment, so she and the child slept on the same bed. I could understand that.

Now that we have a serious relationship, we have rented a two-bedroom section of a house. She has given up her one-bedroom apartment and we have started living together. We are planning to get married very soon, but everything cannot be done at once, and I am sure you will understand.

I left my stove and refrigerator with my mother. My girlfriend had a two-burner stove, so I am planning to buy a four-burner stove for her.

But let me get to the matter. Several times I have told my girlfriend that her daughter should stay in her own bed. We have bought a bed for her. However, she constantly comes into our room and wants to sleep on our bed.

This has caused arguments between my woman and me. She says I am too hard on the little girl because I should remember that she always slept with her mother.

But here is the point, Pastor. It has been very hot lately. One night, my girlfriend and I had sex and both of us fell asleep naked. Her daughter came into the room and saw me lying flat on my back without any clothes on. Her mother also had no clothes on.

I was very unhappy about that. Why should my stepdaughter see me in the nude and see her mother with nothing on? I want you to comment on what I am saying.

My girlfriend brushed the matter aside when I spoke to her about it.

O.

Dear O.,

This is not a matter that should be brushed aside. A child unexpectedly entering a parent’s bedroom and seeing adults unclothed can be embarrassing for everyone involved, and it is understandable that you are concerned.

At the same time, this appears to be less about blame and more about establishing clear boundaries in a new living arrangement. Your girlfriend’s daughter spent years sleeping in the same bed as her mother, so it may take time for her to adjust to having her own room and sleeping independently.

Neither you nor your girlfriend should focus on blaming the other for what happened. Instead, both of you should work together to prevent a repeat of the situation. If your bedroom door has a lock, make use of it, especially when privacy is important. You should also agree on consistent rules about the child remaining in her own bedroom at night.

Your girlfriend’s daughter is still young, and changing long-established habits may take patience and persistence. Her mother will need to play a leading role in helping her feel comfortable and secure in her own room.

Try to approach the matter calmly rather than turning it into an argument. The issue is not whether the child did something wrong, but how the adults can create appropriate boundaries while helping her adjust to the family’s new living arrangements.

Pastor