My wife says the sex is no good

Dear Pastor,

I saw you at a function some months ago and I told you that I wanted to speak to you, but it was not convenient. You told me I could write to you, and I thought about it and said that is what I should really do.

I am 30 years old and I am married. But it seems to me that I married the wrong woman. She is 27 years old and if she continues to give me the trouble that she is giving me now, I am going to find another partner.

I used to have lots of girlfriends before I became a Christian. I have never had just one girlfriend. When I became a Christian and got baptised, I stopped playing around. I am a good musician, so girls always loved to have me play and go out to parties with them.

I started to sing and play at church, and the girl I eventually married encouraged me to start a singing group. We became very close and I found myself loving her. She told me she had never had sex. After dating for 13 months, I asked her to marry me and she said yes.

My church is very strict, so we do not believe that a couple should have sex until after marriage. We took the chance and did it one time before we got married, and the girl bawled down the place, so I apologised to her.

Now, Pastor, I don’t know what to do because every time I have sex with her, she says that she didn’t enjoy it. Every day she tells me that she doesn’t like sex. I asked her what she wants me to do, and she says we can hug and kiss, but we don’t have to have sex.

I told her that sounds as if we are mad people because I would love to have children. This girl has caused me to be looking outside of my marriage for sexual satisfaction. I don’t even feel like playing music in church again; it has gotten that serious.

I feel frustrated because intimacy has become a constant source of conflict between us. Whenever I try to discuss the issue, it ends in an argument, and I don’t know how much longer I can continue like this.

One night, when I wanted to have sex so badly and she again repeated that she doesn’t like it, I took off my clothes and masturbated in front of her and ejaculated in her face. I know that was wrong. I am not proud of it, but I thought my wife would understand how I feel.

She says that she is going to report me to her pastor. I will be glad to expose everything to her pastor. What do you suggest that I do? As far as I can see, there is nothing physically wrong with her. Please give me your advice.

A.

Dear A,

It is clear that both you and your wife are struggling, but there are some serious issues that must be addressed.

First, sexual intimacy in marriage should be based on mutual consent, respect and understanding. No one should feel pressured, coerced or forced into sexual activity, regardless of marital status. Your admission that you sometimes tried to have sex with your wife while she was asleep and the incident you described involving masturbation and ejaculation in her face are troubling behaviours that violate trust and can cause emotional harm.

Your wife’s lack of interest in sex may have several possible explanations. Some individuals have a naturally low libido. Others may have unresolved trauma, anxiety, religious guilt surrounding sex, pain during intercourse, hormonal imbalances or other medical conditions. In some cases, difficulties also arise from a lack of communication or unmet emotional needs within the relationship.

Rather than viewing your wife as the problem, both of you should view this as a marital issue that requires joint attention. A visit to a qualified gynaecologist or other medical professional may help determine whether there is an underlying physical cause. At the same time, marriage counselling with a trained therapist could help both of you discuss intimacy, expectations and concerns in a safe environment.

You should also be honest about your own feelings of frustration, temptation and disappointment, but without threats of infidelity. Looking outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction will only create additional problems and further damage the relationship.

If your wife wishes to involve her pastor, there may be value in doing so, particularly if he can provide spiritual guidance. However, because this matter involves significant relationship and sexual concerns, I would strongly recommend professional counselling in addition to pastoral support.

The goal should not be to prove who is right or wrong, but to understand why this problem exists and whether both of you are willing to work together to resolve it.

Pastor