I pushed him away, now I want him back


October 21, 2015

Dear Pastor,

When I was 18 I met a man. He is 34 years older than I am. He is my first love and is the only man I have ever had sex with. When we met in 2011, I felt naive, but as the time progressed he was like a mentor and father to me. There wasn't anything that I couldn't talk to him about. I called him my guardian angel. When my family could not adequately provide, he was there. Sometimes he gave me his last then took a loan to support himself.

While in school, he encouraged me to study. He spent many nights on the phone with me just to ensure my assignments were done and that I had prepared for my exams. The is that we kept our relationship a secret. It hurt each time he asked why. Pastor, my family would not approve. He works at the same organisation as my aunt and sister. They are uppity towards him.

Pastor, this man has completed my world. I would not want to share it with anyone else. He even proposed to me a year after we began dating, but I foolishly turned it down. There is nothing in this world that he would not do for me. Through university, I made every effort to spend weekends and holidays with him. The connection we have is real. I am happy and everything feels right when I am around him.

Earlier this year, I was on internship at a hospital. Throughout my six months there, I stayed with him. My family did nit know I was with him. As the months were winded down, I became afraid of what the next step would be between us. We discussed the prospect of me becoming pregnant so I could leave home to live with him permanently.

I was scared because of my family. They are very judgemental and would not accept him. At the same time, I was having problems at work.

During this strenuous period, we grew apart. I started sending out applications on his behalf. A female business manager took great interest in him. Due to my distance, he communicated with her more.

After my internship ended, I went back home. Most days, I laid in bed and cried because I could not be with my partner because of my fear. I did not want to hurt him. He begged me to spend time with him, but I declined. During this time, he became closer to the woman.

Pastor, he forgot my birthday. That day, I dared him to go out with the woman. I didn't go out with him even though he told me to come. He did not pick up that it was my birthday. Eventually, he went out with the woman. At the end of the date, he called me and told me that she raped him. I was upset and hurt, but he succumbed to the woman's charm. She is very rich and has three children.

He tells me everything that he does with her. I regret daring him to go out with her. I want him back for myself but he keeps telling me that I pushed him away. Pastor, it is true, but I was scared. I really love him and am at odds without him. Upon till now, there is nothing too good for him to do for me.

Sometimes things look hopeful for us and another time he lashes out against me. I have had his house key for more than two years but because of this situation, he took it from me. He said he is confused and frustrated. His friends whom he has talked to about the situation all say that I was using him to go through school. This is not true. He assisted me in so many ways, but I did not use him. My fear is my family and I don't want to disappoint him. All I want to do is to marry him and start a life together, but this other woman has complicated things and keeps building turmoil.

Pastor, I made a mistake and I have apologised a thousand times to him. He said we are pressuring him. I feel hopeless without him. Pastor, please give me advice. I don't know what to do anymore but cry.


Dear Helpless,

I regret to tell you that you have lost this man. But the blame is not only on your side. It is also on the man. However, it would be easy for him to put all the blame because you chose your family over him. That's a good argument because that's the truth. However, after you graduated, he could have made it clear that he was not interested in having another woman in his life, but he did not do that. He could have decided that he wasn't going anywhere and stayed with you.

You made a mistake when you kept turning this man down. I repeat, you have lost him. Nevertheless, be comforted by the fact that he was a tremendous help to you. He assisted you in getting an education and was always there for you, so to speak. He is not going to leave the woman with whom he is now involved.

That's why he is bold enough to tell you everything they do. My dear, you are young. You are not going to forget this man. To you, he is sweeter than johnny cakes with butter, but the Lord will provide another man for you. Don't fret yourself to death. Let him go.


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