Can't forgive her for cheating on me


October 29, 2018

Dear Pastor,

I have three sons, but right now I do not live with their mother. We had these children together, but their mother cheated on me. I was doing my very best, but I found out that when I went to work at nights, another man was in my bed. It is my children who brought this to light. They told me that they saw the man with their mother having sex. All three of them saw her, but she did not know that they saw the man.

I felt depressed, because the boys are teenagers. I did not know what to do when they told me, because I did not want her to punish the boys. So, I asked her about it one Saturday when the boys were not in the house. I told her that someone told me that they saw a man coming from the house in the middle of the night and if she knew anything about it and who could that be. She said she was unaware of what I was talking about.

I told her that the man was tall, but I could not let my boys down. I decided that there was only one way to find out. I searched her phone and looked at her text messages. I saw how she saved a number that made me very suspicious. I dialled the number and the person answered and said "Hi, honey." I did not respond.

Pastor, I couldn't live with myself and what I have heard, so I started to make preparation to catch her. I asked her who was so and so, and right away she asked me why did I searched her phone. I told her it is because she was having an affair with that man. She told me that the person and her are just friends, but she was afraid to store his name in the phone the correct way.


This woman and I were on the verge of buying a house together, but I changed my mind. And I offered to give her back the amount of money she had in the account. Both of us were putting money together. At first, I thought that I should never call the children's name, but then I changed my mind and told her that the children said they saw the man in the house with her. She said the children were lying on her, so I called the children before her and asked them whether they saw a man one night in the house with their mother and they said yes. She was stunned. She did not say they were lying.

She cannot tell me why she got involved with another man. I know that she was always satisfied with me having sex with her. I tried to force her to tell me why she got involved with this man, but she has not told me. After we had the meeting with the boys, she asked me to forgive her, but I cannot forgive her because she knew the children were in the house and she invited a man into the house and was having sex with him.

I have a girlfriend who is living in America. She says that she loves me. But I am afraid that she may do the same thing like my children's mother. I told her so and she says that I am weird. She doesn't have children, but she was married and is divorced. She has her own home. She wants me to marry her and to come and live with her.

Right now I am staying at my sister's home and the children are with their mother. I have to make a change. I feel as if my life has been ruined. I never thought I would live to see my life in this state. I love my children and I used to love their mother, but now I am afraid of women.

My children's mother calls me every day and she tells me that she loves me. What is your advice to me?


Dear L.K.,

It seems to me that you cannot find any place in your heart to forgive your children's mother. You say that you treated her very well and I believe you. Sometimes a man will never know why his woman cheated on him. But, something went wrong. Some women are quite willing to tell the men what went wrong, but others refuse to do so.

I wish you could find grace in your heart to forgive this woman. She seems to be reaching out to you. I am not taking sides at all. But, I would say to you that if there is still a spot of love in your heart for this woman, both of you should make an appointment to see a family counsellor.

I have nothing against the woman in America who is now your girlfriend. I am only trying to remind you that you have three children with this woman and you should always be willing to forgive if you can.


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