Boyfriend refuses to use the condom

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column for a long time and I have learnt much from you.

I am living with a man who treats me very well. But he does not like to use the condom. I was 17 years old when I started to have sex. When my mother found out that I was sexually active, the first thing she asked me is whether I was ‘on something’. I asked her what she meant and she said well, since I am a big woman, she had to talk to me straight. She wanted to know if I was taking the Pill and I told her no. She asked me if my boyfriend used the condom and I told her no. She said that, if I got pregnant, I could not bring the baby in the house because there is not enough room for a child. So my boyfriend and I started to use the condom.

My mother knew when he was there. She went to bed early because she was a higgler and had to get up early. I knew when my mother was sleeping and my boyfriend and I took the chance to have sex; then he went home. The relationship with him did not last.

I got involved with another man who supports me. He is much older. He drives a taxi. Every week, he gives me money, but he does not want to use the condom. He says that it kills his nature. I have taken the risk to have sex with him a few times without the condom and he has tried to withdraw when he feels he is going to ejaculate. But he is not always able to withdraw and I am scared that he will get me pregnant. He has three children with two women. I don’t want to be his third babymother, but I cannot do without the money he gives to me.

What should I do?

Y.,

Dear Y.,

Many young men have said that condoms kill their nature, but that is only an excuse because they prefer to have sex bareback.

Using the condom is good protection against pregnancy. I do not mean to imply that something cannot go wrong. Occasionally the condom may break and that is why men should be careful where the condom is being kept. It should not be exposed to heat. Guys who try to be responsible often keep condoms in their wallets, so that if they were to come across a girl who is willing to give them ‘something’, they have protection. A condom that is kept in a wallet may break easily because it is exposed to heat.

Your boyfriend should know better. He should not be insisting that both of you have sex bareback. You are likely to become pregnant if you continue to have sex without protection. On the other hand, you are old enough to go to your doctor and ask to be put on the pill. I say that to remind you that you have to take care of yourself. It is you who would have to carry the pregnancy if you do not protect yourself. I have never seen a pregnant man. Men create problems for women and laugh about it. Yes, you need the help that this man has been giving you, but you need to protect yourself.

Pastor