He helped me through school, now I want to leave him


January 16, 2016

Dear pastor

I am having a problem and I am hoping you will answer and give me your advice.

I am a 23-year-old woman. From I was in high school, I have had a relationship with a man. He is three years older than I am. I love him very much. He has a good Job.

When I decided to go to university, he promised to help me. He gave me money to purchase items I needed for university. He also helped me to pay my rent. My parents were not in a position to help me. My aunt and uncle had assisted me but not in a big way. I love this man but, as I become more exposed at university, I came to realise I can do 'better'. He and I are not meant for each other.

I don't know him to have another girlfriend. He is very possessive and can be demanding, but he is kind. He doesn't believe in church. I love church. He wants to settle down with me, but I am not ready. He said that I am ungrateful. I told him I want to go abroad and study. He is not for that. He said he is getting too old and we should get married. I want to get some experience in travelling before I get married.

He tried to talk to my parents about us. My parents told him I am old enough to make my decision. He was not pleased with their comments. Am I ungrateful to to get married now, though this man has helped me. I don't think I can ever repay him for what he has spent on me. Pastor I need your help.


Dear F.V

Many people would say you used this man. However, if you are not ready to get married, he should not try to force you. If you have not fully made up your mind to get married, he should give you more time.

He is considering his age. He is 26 and probably thinking it is time for him to settle down and raise his family.

You don't love this man anymore. That is clear but I am not sure whether you have told him so. If you told him, and he is still insisting on marriage, it means he is hoping you will reconsider.

Let me reason with you a little. You entered university loving this man. He supported you, paid your rent, gave you money etc. What has caused you to change your mind about him?

Do you have a secret lover at the university? His money was good, all along, and you were satisfied with him, so why the change now? You said there has been a change, what is it?

I hope this man leaves you alone. It going to be tough on him. You are a heartbreaker. Tell him I have said the relationship with you will never work. If you are afraid to tell him face to face, when this message is published in my column, and you know he is coming around to see you, make sure my column is opened so he can read it. I hope he will be wise enough to walk away from you and call it a bad deal.


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