I refuse to care for my dying ex-husband

Dear Pastor,

I am a 50-year-old woman and I am a regular reader of your column.

I was living with a man for more than 17 years. We have two children together. After having these children, I had to work very hard to put them through school. He did not help me much. My parents loved the children so they took them almost every week. I used to take them there on a Friday and go through their lessons with them. Oh, I should let you know that I am a teacher. I then picked up my children on Sunday and took them home.

Their farther always cursed me and said that I was going to another man’s house. I told him he could always accompany me or pay someone to watch me.

My parents encouraged me to leave the man and as soon as I did, my parents helped me to buy a house. This stupid man thought I would put his name on the title, but that couldn’t happen because it was really my father’s house; but he bought it for me. We bought the house jointly. When I was ready to move, I told my husband that he could not move with me. He asked me if another man was going to live at my house and I told him the only men who were going to be in my house are our sons.

The stupid man went to a lawyer and was demanding that his name be put on the title of the house. He did not have a cent in the new place. This man used to drink and gamble his money away. He was a heavy drinker. I can’t tell you whether he had women. I suspect he does, but no woman has ever called me.

Our two sons are doing well, but their father is not. After we broke up, he became ill. He was diagnosed with cancer. He has begged me to return to him, but I am not interested. He told some of his relatives that he believes I have another man. But we have not touched each other in bed for years, so how could I get along without a man? I told his relatives it is very easy to find out if I have any man – they can talk to my sons.

I told my sons that they can assist their father by buying his medication. But I am not willing to pay for any medication for him. I do not want to be seen taking him to the doctor. My feelings for this man are dead, especially since he told relatives that I must have another man.

I have an insurance policy that I have been paying. He is not aware that this policy is still active. I told my children that they should not fret; whenever he closes his eyes permanently, we will have money to bury him. His health is in bad shape, and he has had to go and live with one of his sisters. She is struggling to help him. He does not even have a bank account. Everything that we had in the bank, he withdrew.

Do you think I am cruel for not supporting him?

V.

Dear V.,

Forgive this man for the way he has treated you. He did not support his home well.

But you worked hard and your relatives assisted you, and the boys have done very well in school and are now working. I am glad that they visit their father. I would like to encourage you to tell them that sometimes when they visit him, they should give him some money or at least take groceries for him.

Sometime ago, a young man came to see me and he was talking to me about his father. He said his father is a professional who earns a lot of money, but did not support him. His mother sent him to school and she was a single mother. He has never seen his mother with a man. He added that he hates his father and he will never help to support him. That was many years ago. The father is very ill now, but the young man does not even visit him.

I am not telling you that you ought to visit, but may the good Lord help you not to hate this man for the way he treated you.

Pastor